I was complicit in my own abuse.
That’s right. I was.
Wait!? Am I blaming myself for my abuse? Not exactly.
What others did, said, took, threatened was NOT OK and was in no way my fault. However, a former version of me did not think she was worth anything more than abuse, hateful words, threats, abandonment, stone walling, name calling and carrying trash bags of my stuff down a three floor walk up getting kicked out every weekend. So she just kept putting up with it in various iterations of more of the same.
She just kept begging. And trying harder. And remaining silent and letting her resentment build, boil over and EXPLODE.
I won’t take responsibility for their trauma and bullshit. It hurt. And it was not and IS NOT ok.
What I can and will take responsibility for is what I allowed and how I became complicit in my own abuse. I allowed myself to avoid my patterns. I allowed myself to blame others rather than face myself. I allowed myself to think I could be responsible for someones treatment toward me. I allowed myself to be in the same type of relationship over and over because I wouldn’t get help. I allowed myself to stay in a job where I was tormented and overworked because I was unaware of my toxic patterns. I allowed my boundaries to be crossed (which was so easy when I didn’t have any to begin with!). I allowed myself to cry, beg, get out of control, and lose myself in suffering because I refused to do the hard thing that would help.
Whew. Feels good to say: being able to own it, name it & move through it isn’t weakness. It’s power and I am not way a victim or bystander of my life accepting what is done or thinking that it’s done TO ME.
By going on a spiritual and trauma healing odyssey, you can break open and expel some of the pain and patterns that are deep, blind and where the suffering is so damn toxically comfortable.
And then, you can start to build up healthy boundaries that honor rather than protect, who you are, what moves you and aligns to where you are going.
Stick with it. Keep showing up. Follow and share this kind of content. Keep learning. DO YOUR WORK. And stay tuned for more. 💛
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