Why I Don’t Like the Term “Decentering Men” — And Why It’s Better to Center Yourself

I’ve been seeing the term “decentering men” pop up in women's spaces. On the surface, it sounds empowering: don’t make men the focus of your life, your validation, or your energy. But here’s the problem — even in the act of “decentering,” men are still at the center. Using this term is still defining yourself in relation to them, reacting to their existence or influence. It is like men "should" be at the center and you are doing something radical by not positioning them as...a prize.

It’s similar to saying, “I’m not thinking about him” while still letting him dictate the framework of your mental space. The energy is reactive. And honestly? I’ve never been a fan of framing empowerment around someone else.Instead, I advocate for something simpler, bolder, and infinitely more transformative: center yourself.

Centering yourself isn’t anti-men. It isn’t exclusionary. It is simply changing up the semantics and rather than move away from and a keeping a negative focus, it is about positivity, moving towards and centering oneself. It’s about reclaiming life, choices, and your joy. It’s putting your values and desires first, not a man. And when you do, everything shifts — relationships, work, creativity, even your sense of peace.

Here’s what centering yourself looks like in real life:

1. Make Decisions Based on Your Values, Not Fear

When we make decisions out of fear—fear of judgment, fear of missing out, fear of what others will think—we are essentially letting external forces steer the steering wheel of our lives. Research shows that fear significantly shapes decision‑making: for example, managers under pressure tend to play safe rather than align with deeper values.

By contrast, when you ground your choices in your core values—what you believe, who you want to be—you reclaim your agency. It is important to pay attention to all details and pieces of information. For example, Psychology writing notes that when people act in alignment with their values rather than reactively, they feel more authentic and stable.

So the empowering move is: prioritizing yourself, not how the external situation or people feel about YOU. This isn't about keeping other people'e interpretations about you at the forefront of your life. So, before you say “yes” to a job, a relationship, or even a weekend plan, ask: Does this feel true to me? If it’s a “yes” rooted in your values rather than a “maybe” rooted in fear of what might happen if you don’t, you’re centering yourself.

2. Define Your Worth Internally, Not Externally

There’s compelling research on the difference between internal self‑worth and external self‑worth. One study found that individuals whose self‑esteem depends on external approval (appearance, performance, others’ praise) are more vulnerable to distress. I mean, anytime that you put your worth into something outside of youself, you lose control and therefore any time the wind blows or a season changes, you may find yourself constantly searching for something, anything, to tell you about yourself.

In practical terms: When you measure your worth by how others see you or by what you achieve (versus by who you know you are), you become fragile because others’ perceptions shift, circumstances change, and you’re always chasing. The alternative: build your worth on your values, your character, your own internal reference. One article puts it clearly: “Our sense of self‑esteem actually starts coming from the inside, not from the outside.” Centering yourself means believing you are enough even when things wobble—because your worth is anchored internally, not hinged on external applause.

3. Prioritize Your Growth and Joy

Centering yourself is not selfish — it’s essential. When you intentionally invest in your growth, learning, and joy, everything in your life improves. This means growth and joy aren’t frivolous. They’re foundational. When you invest in your own development, your life ripples outward—relationships, work, creativity all improve. When you dismiss your joy, you undermine your own signal: that you are worthy of thriving.

So make a pact with yourself: allocate time and energy to what fuels you — not just obligations or what’s “supposed” to happen, but what lights you up. That is how you center yourse Relationships become healthier because you’re whole, not incomplete. Your work aligns with your passions and strengths. Even your energy and creativity flourish. Joy isn’t indulgent; it’s foundational. When you prioritize yourself, you radiate authenticity, and life begins to reward you for it.

4. Own Your Story: Center yourself as the main character

I think we learned about this watching Mr. Rodgers gowring up: There is only one YOU! And no one is going to be you and love you more than you. Anything presented to you from the external and outside world will only be a reflection of how strongly, deeply and powerfully you see yourself.

When you center yourself, you step fully into the role of main character in your own life. No more supporting roles in someone else’s narrative. Owning your story means embracing all of it — your choices, your struggles, your wins. You stop apologizing for living life on your terms. You start embracing your journey fully, unapologetically, and with pride.

“Decentering men” keeps men in the conversation. Centering yourself takes the conversation out of someone else’s orbit entirely. You don’t define your growth as “not him.” You define it as you. Always remember that YOU are in the driver's seat of your life and the best main character there is!

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So here’s my challenge: stop trying to decenter anyone. Stop measuring your liberation in reaction to someone else. Instead, center yourself. Make your choices. Live your joy. Build your life. Because you were never meant to orbit anyone. You were always meant to shine in your own center.

Center yourself. Not in reaction to anyone else. Not in opposition to anyone else. Simply just being...you.