Supporting vs. Enabling: When “Being There” Turns Into Losing Yourself

We all want to be good friends. Loyal, steady, dependable — the kind of woman who picks up the phone at 2 a.m., who listens without judgment, who shows up even when she’s bone-tired. That’s noble, right?

But here’s the rub: there’s a fine line between being a supportive friend and becoming someone’s emotional crutch.

I did a podcast about Supporting vs. Enabling: Confessions of a "fix it" friend this week, (EPISODE 211) where I dive into a situation I had with a friend that made me question not only WHY I was resistant to help, but how what I was being asked to do was not support through a challenge or difficult time, but to do the work for them (free labor, once again!).

Somewhere between “I care about you” and “I’ll fix this for you,” we cross into dangerous territory: the land of enabling. And once you’ve set up camp there, it’s damn hard to leave.

Let’s get into what that really looks like.

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1. Support says, “I believe in you.”

Enabling says, “I’ll fix it for you.”

Support is rooted in empowerment. It communicates, “You’ve got this and I’ll be here cheering you on.” It’s empathy that still honors one's own personal boundaries. Doing the emotional, physical labor of your own personal trauma healing is ENOUGH, but to take on someone's else's is a recipe for resentment.

You’re listening, reflecting, helping your friend gain perspective — but ultimately, you’re reminding her that she’s capable of handling her own life. You’re not robbing her of the opportunity to learn resilience. Enabling, on the other hand, swoops in with a superhero cape.

It looks like:

• Paying their bills “just this once” (again).

• Covering for them at work.

• Constantly smoothing over the consequences of their bad decisions.

It feels like love — but it’s actually control disguised as care. Because when you rush to “fix” things for someone, you’re saying, “I don’t think you can handle this without me.”That’s not love. That’s fear.

READ THIS: if you keep rescuing people, you’ll keep attracting people who need rescuing.

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2. Support Vs EnablinG is compassionate vs codependent.

This one hits deep. Many women (especially those who grew up being the emotional caretakers in their families) mistake self-sacrifice for love. They believe that holding space for someone means absorbing their pain, fixing their crises, and carrying their emotional baggage as if it’s their own.

But compassion says: “I see you. I understand you. I trust you to take responsibility for your life.” Codependency says: “If you’re not okay, I’m not okay — so let me fix you so I can feel safe again.” When you constantly prioritize someone else’s comfort over your own boundaries, you’re not being compassionate — you’re disappearing.

Healthy support sounds like:

• “I know this is hard, but I believe you can find a way through it.”

• “I love you, but this pattern isn’t serving you — or our friendship.”

• “I’m here to listen, but I can’t carry this for you.”

Codependency sounds like:

• “It’s fine, I’ll do it.”

• “They need me, I can’t say no.”

• “I’ll just keep the peace, I don’t want them to get upset.”

Compassion uplifts both people. Codependency drains one to keep the other afloat.

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3. Support has boundaries.

Enabling has burnout.

Let’s be honest: if you’re constantly exhausted, resentful, or anxious after “helping” someone — that’s not support. That’s self-abandonment dressed in good intentions.

Boundaries are the backbone of real support. They’re what keep your kindness sustainable.

Support means you show up within your capacity. You offer what you can, not what you must. You give because you choose to, not because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.

Enabling, on the other hand, ignores your limits. It looks like:

• Taking phone calls in the middle of your workday for a crisis that isn’t yours.

• Holding trauma for someone who is not ready to hold their own

• Feeling guilty for needing space.

• Saying yes when every cell in your body is screaming no (listen to that, babe!)

When we constantly give like this, thinking we are being a "good friend" we are slowing eroding our own needs and building deep resentment, which will inevitably lead to a dry well and burnout. Know this: Burnout isn’t proof of your loyalty, it’s evidence of imbalance. And when you constantly overextend yourself for others, you silently teach them that your energy is disposable.

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4. Support fosters accountability.

Enabling excuses behavior.

A true friend doesn’t just hold your hand: she holds up a mirror.

And sometimes, it isn't always the image we want to see. But a real one will always give you the opportunities to see changes you need to make to the best version of yourself. They see you and what you are truly capable of.

I don't know where we got the idea that love and friendship just lets people suffer! Or stay stuck. There is a line between I see you and want you to do you, and I may not agree or understand but respect your ability to know what works for you AND knowing when you have to assert youself and point out what is really going on, your observation as a friend.

Support means loving someone enough to tell them the truth. It’s saying, “I care too much to let you keep doing this to yourself.”It’s asking the hard questions, even when it risks tension:“Do you think this pattern is helping you?”“Have you considered why you keep ending up in this situation?” That’s support. It’s honest, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s powerful.

Enabling, though, avoids confrontation. It deflects with, “They’ve just been through a lot,” or “That’s just how they are.” It keeps the peace at the cost of authenticity.But when you constantly excuse someone’s behavior, you rob them of growth. You keep them stuck in the same loop, convincing them that they don’t have to change. Real friendship is about mutual evolution.

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5. Support empowers both people.

Enabling disempowers everyone.

Here’s the paradox of support vs enabling: the more you enable someone, the more powerless you both become.

You end up drained, resentful, and spread too thin. They end up dependent, underdeveloped, and afraid of standing on their own two feet. Support creates balance so both people are growing, respecting each other’s autonomy, and finding strength through connection.

Enabling creates imbalance, the kind where reciprocity just hi-tails it out the window and one person is giving, the other is taking, and no one’s evolving. It is a petrie dish for resentment, that's for sure.

When you finally stop enabling, you don’t lose the friendship, you redefine it and align it. You give it the chance to breathe, to recalibrate, to become something built on equality rather than emotional labor.

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The Empowered Truth

Support uplifts. Enabling anchors.

One teaches people how to swim; the other ties a life jacket around your own neck and jumps in after them.

Being supportive doesn’t mean being self-sacrificial. It means loving people and yourself enough to hold everyone accountable for their own choices.

You can say no and still be kind. You can pull back and still care. You can stop rescuing someone and still love them deeply.

That’s integrity.

If you constantly feel like the emotional anchor in your relationships, it’s time to ask yourself:Am I supporting my friends, or am I saving them? Because true support doesn’t ask you to shrink, silence your needs, or set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. True support says: “I love you and I trust you to rise.”

And trust yourself to set your own boundaries and resource yourself. Tap into this podcast this week HERE and remember that you got this! You have permission to be a good friend to yourself, first.

xo.

Angela