This isn’t a before and after, but more like a before and during…
2014: On the left...tipping the scales at maybe 125lbs. Don’t get it twisted: this is NOT body goals. Six pack may have been popping and what you don’t see is the most unhealthy internal ecosystem, riddled with self hate, harm and suffering. I hated myself, my life, my past, my present and my body became the emotional dumping ground for my pain. I did everything I could to get strong and “beat the feelings” out of me. If I could just get stronger, more toned, distract myself from the toxic emotional patterns I was stuck in, the self-hate would go away: I would be lovable & enough. My fragile mental health, lack of coping skills and awareness around my trauma compounded by the abusive relationship I was in, left me in a puddle on the kitchen floor armed with knives and frying pans to harm myself the head, legs, ribs: I wanted to die. The physical pain was never enough to free myself from the deep rooted pain I carried every day.
2021: In the 8 year span between these photos include major losses and grief, suicide attempts, therapy, coaching, anti-depressants, books, workshops, retreats, so many damn changes, and about 20 extra pounds, the biggest being: I am no longer controlled by my thought patterns and trauma. This body is not a receptacle for pain but a vehicle to carry out my purpose and share my beautiful energy. And, I am still working through some shit! Today’s physical representation is thicker, softer, less rigid AND it is not the best representation of how much I love myself now. It is important that my physical body and spiritual being find a harmonious balance and represent who I am and where I am going, from this place of love!
Know this: I couldn’t do it all at once. I couldn’t go to therapy, get off anti-depressants, get new coping skills, move through grief, loss & trauma, work, build a business, get through a global pandemic of isolation AND have a six pack.
So exhale, you aren’t alone! It’s possible to find a community that allows space for both physical and emotional work, so that fitness is a way to move THROUGH the emotional pain, not to run away from it. You get to be your own badass, take control of your life and starting living epically.
Join Us. I got you.
See you at class!
Be epic yall!